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Marine Corps Vasectomy – It Takes Some Visualization

A Staff Sergeant walks into sick bay and asks the navy doctor for a vasectomy. "I been married for ten years. I got twelve kids. I think its time I got a vasectomy." The doctor raises his eyebrows and says, "yeah. I'd say its time. How about next week, Tuesday at 1400." The Marine nods. Now the Marine has been on leave for three weeks and he is from the Air Det., so his hair is long and he was wearing civvies. The doctor says, "All I need is your name, Petty Officer…?"  The Marine is taken-aback. “Petty Officer?! Petty Officer?!!!  I’m a Marine Corps Staff Sergeant, OoRaw! I deserve the respect owed to a Marine!”  The navy doctor looks shocked and a little paniced.  “You are a Marine?! Shoot. I’m sorry.”  The Marine says, “No problem Sir. Just don’t make the same mistake twice.”  But the doctor says, “No. You don’t understand.”  He closes the door and lowers his voice.  “You aren’t supposed to know about this, but navy doctors only perform vasectomies on sailors.  Marines perform vasectomies on themselves.”  The Marine takes a step back, “Uh…that’s Ok Sir. I’m hard Corps but I’d appreciate if you do all the cutting.”  The Doctor responds, “there is no ‘cutting’.”  The doctor opens the desk drawer and pulls out a canteen cup and a firecracker.  He instructs the Marine, “All you have to do is light this fire cracker, drop it into the cup, hold it to your right ear and count to ten. That’s your Marine Corps vasectomy.”  The Marine looks puzzled. “Doc, I don’t get the connection.”  The doctor reassures him that there is a connection.  The Marine takes the cup and firecracker and gives the doc a wary, “Aye, aye”.  He goes home and tells his wife. She doesn’t believe it.  “Navy doctors aren’t enough. You need a civilian doctor’s second opinion.”  So remembering the confusion from the first encounter with the doctor, he goes out and gets a high and tight. He gets into his Dress Blues and walks into the civilian doctor’s office. “I’m a Marine Corps Staff Sergeant.  I need my self a vasectomy, OORAW!”  The civilian doctor says, “No problem.”  He pulls open a drawer and pulls out a cup and firecracker and gives the Marine the same instructions, “Light this firecracker, hold it to your right ear and count to ten.”  The Marine salutes and says, “Second opinion”.  He goes home and tells his wife.  In disbelief she says, “Are you SURE the directions are right?”  He says “yes”.  She asks, “Well. Are you ready?”  He thinks for a second, “Yep”.  The wife hands him the cup and lights the firecracker.  She drops it into the cup.  He holds it to his right ear and he begins to count off with his left hand, “one, two, three, four, five…”  A paniced look crosses his face but he quickly solves the problem by transferring the cup to be held between his legs and continues to count with the right hand, “six, seven, eight,….”

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The Difference Between Marine and Navy Boot Camp

A newly made Marine and Sailor, both having graduated from their boot camps at San Diego, happened to meet at the urinals in the airport bathroom, as they were waiting for their flights on their first liberty.

The Marine finishes his business, zips up and walks out the door.  Shortly after, the Sailor finishes, zips up, goes to the sink and washes, his hands then leaves.

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The Woman Marine Pilot

The Woman Marine Pilot…

  The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.   There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.   "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."   "Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"   "Don't f–k with Mummy when she's been drinking."

Making the Gunny Angry

On the day I was promoted to Corporal, it was a surprise. I didn't see it coming. It started pouring outside just as that mornings formation was ending and the Gunny marched us accross the street for classes that the training schedule had called for. Like always, we rushed to get there and had to wait for the instructor and classes to begin. Our Marines were making quite a racket as Marines might, and when the gunny walked in the back of the room and hollered "Knock off the horseplay", but hardly anybody but the NCO's standing in the back had heard him. After yelling "Knock off the horseplay" a second time and the racket in the room did not quiet down I rushed forward to the podium and yelled "Hey, you with the horse, knock it off" which caused all the NCO's to be heard snickering in the silence. The Gunny's look at me was deadly so I tried real hard not to look at him as I retreated to the back of the room. He never let me forget, and took every public opportunity he could to remind me that my first order as an NCO was "Hey, you with the horse, knock it off".

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Ooh Rah

A Soldier, Sailor, and Airman walk into a bar. They make a bet with the bartender that they can each drink a keg of beer and make it with the hottest girl in the room in one hour. The Bartender says ok and gives them the key to the back room and one keg each. The Airman goes in with the hottest girl. After one hour the Bartender walks into the room to find the keg bearly touched, the woman untouched, and the Airman blacked out. The bartender says next and the Sailor attempts. This time when the bartender walks in, the keg is half empty and the sailor is blacked out. The woman still untouched. Next up is the soldier, after an hour the bartender walks in to find all three kegs empty, the woman ravished and bearly able to walk, but the soldier is beaten in the corner. The bartender wakes the soldier up and asked him what happened. The soldier responded by saying, A man came in drank everything, beat me silly, and made love to the woman, then jumped out of the window and yelled Ooooh Raaaah!!!!!!

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In The Head

You may have heard this before.  However, a couple of decades later while in the San Diego airport, waiting for my flight, I can't believe I actually had the presence of mind to remember it when a young, just graduated from Navy Boot Camp, seaman saw me leaving the urinal straighaway to the exit, I'm sure, noticing my 3rd Marine Division ball cap, and made the remark… it was priceless, and I still wonder at my ability to recall and use it.

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