The Sgt Major
Two Sergeant Majors were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second Sergeant Major replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The second Sergeant Major nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the Sergeant Major, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A pastor, a doctor and a Sergeant Major were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The Sergeant Major fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Hey, George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The Sergeant Major said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
There was a Sergeant Major who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. (I know him.) After serving the Army loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the Army contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired Sergeant Major, who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The Sergeant Major reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is”. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The Army received a bill for $50,000 from the Sergeant Major for his service. The Army demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The Sergeant Major responded briefly: One chalk mark$1.00. Knowing where to put it$49,999. It was paid in full and the Sergeant Major retired again in peace.
“Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Sergeant Majors believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”
An architect, an artist and a Sergeant Major were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The Sergeant Major said, “I like both.” “Both?” Sergeant Major, “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the shop and get some work done.”
A Sergeant Major was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The Sergeant Major took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the Sergeant Major took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The Sergeant Major said, “Look I’m an Sergeant Major. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”